A welcome, well-placed kick to the heart. That dad/water-filtration vignette has the heft and hit of good Carver! And I love the way your gritty wit leavens the whole piece. Dads…ever-present.
God, aren’t they? Always love your comments so much. Carver- it’s like someone telling you (me) that your (my) band sounds just like Scrawl or The Feelies! Thank you!
I have always had such a strange relationship to this poem - probably because I was always wondering why people were waving at me every time I was drowning in some sense.
I love all the thoughts about actual vulnerability vs performative vulnerability and it makes me wonder about my own attraction and revulsion to certain types of displayed vulnerabilities…just a lot to process here.
As a teacher, one of my favorite ways to check on students is to simply say “You don’t seem like yourself…what’s up?” It doesn’t guarantee a completely honest response but it’s such lovely shorthand for “I know you. I see you. Something is off and I care about that but I’m not sure what you need.” Sometimes they answer right away with whatever is bothering them, but I’ve also had students come back days or weeks later and say “Remember when you said i didn’t seem like myself? I couldn’t talk about it right then, but…”
Thank you for sharing this writing. I know I’ll be mulling it over for many days. I love your heart and feel so fortunate to have been your FILFA student. I agree with Kiera that this poem belongs in the ever-growing resources for that institute.
I absolutely love this comment! Love what you say about how you check in and they’ll circle back around. 💜 And yes will add to NEH curriculum if there’s another!
I'm one of those readers/fans of Sheila's, and I wholeheartedly agree with her assessment. As a fellow Gen-X, born in January 1965 on the cusp of the Boom, the paragraph she restacked is what brought me here because it resonated so deeply. And the rest of the writing kept me here.
My parents were both teachers. My father suffered a devastating illness when I was 8 and missed several years of work, never fully recovering and dying at the age of 66. Fortunately, he never took his circumstances out on others and always was a kind if quirky person, but as a parent he was mostly benign.
My mom, who also was dealt a very tough hand in childhood, diligently cared for him and picked up the pieces, stiff upper lip and all. She provided, doing what she could to the best of her best ability to make sure everything was "fine." Nurturing, at least in part due to the circumstances, was not in her wheelhouse.
Until I was 30, I projected the same. To outsiders, everything was fine. On the inside, I was silently drowning.
The last 30 years have been a series of hard-won victories and occasionally stupid stumbles as my wife and I have raised four children. I'm no longer rabidly fearful of vulnerability; age and life experiences have a way of stripping that from you. Your essay was both a flashback to another time and a reminder that I needed today, the day after what would have been my dad's 84th birthday.
Wow. Thank you, first of all-- for reading, and so thoughtfully responding. Many parallels among us! (dying at 66, stumbling through with kids, even dads' bdays...). I do think something big comes around and offers itself to us around the age of 30. I think some people grab it...Have you read Niobe Way's work on male friendships? OMG so good. I'll come back and post...
I have read Way's work and it is excellent. Curiously, pre-40s, I had great difficulty in establishing male friendships. All of my friends were women. That has shifted as I've gotten older, however.
Amazing. Much to think about in this piece-it will stick with me for a while I am sure. Thinking mostly about what is inside of / what causes that lack of willingness or the ability to show vulnerability - and yes, thank you Tom and Pete- Might we all try being Tom and Pete in the world.
Tomorrow I start teaching to adults a course called Life With Father. Yes, really. We shall start with the comfortable story of story of Amolak Ram Mehta, the author's father whom he calls Daddyji and titles the book similarly. Then we shall read and discuss Daddy, We Hardly Knew You by Germaine Greer. That's a book for you, Stevie Smith, and others who didn't know their fathers or how to know their fathers. I'm in that group myself: didn't know jack until I passed his age at death and wondered how my own son felt.
Everyone should read this essay— certainly every teacher. I wish I had read it while I was still teaching.
“Fifteen minutes seemed fair.” I laughed at that.
I love how your essays pull all these story-moons into orbit around the planet of the poem.
This poem always makes me think of Frost’s Neither Out Far Nor in Deep poem. The flawed beach observers. Looking but not seeing.
What I’m thinking now: It is hard to see far and deep into people. Even if you do make a fucking effort. Afterward you can chalk it up to not paying the right kind of attention. But.
Very impressive, Ms. Harris. :-)The poem you share reminds me of when we taught Brueghel's painting, "The Fall of Icarus" with poems about the painting, like Auden's "Musee de Beaux Arts." " "About suffering they were never wrong,
The old Masters: how well they understood
Its human position: how it takes place
While someone else is eating or opening a window or just walking dully along." We also taught "Landscape with the Fall of Icarus" by William Carlos Williams. After reading this, I want to teach these works again and also include "Not Waving but Drowning."
Karen-You do an amazing job in this piece weaving in so many things and connecting them all by the end (seemingly with such ease)-the discussion of the poem, thoughts about your dad, your feelings of guilt, how others helped you in a time of need, and your students' comments...
When you write about the note by your desk about "Making a Fucking Effort," this really resonates with me. The most important thing I think we can do is to show our students that we care about them. From there, we can cultivate classrooms where students feel safe and are willing to take risks in discussions and in other ways. It does take a lot more effort now to "make a fucking effort." I have seen it take a toll on many teachers who have left the profession well before they are entitled to a pension. I wish school administrators cared more about their teachers beyond saying that they care. I love reading your writing. Keep it coming. Thank you!
Aw amazing Joanna- yes remember all of these works. Thank you for your incredible comment and your expertise and heart. I know you are a giver and your students are so lucky! And they love you. Of course. Xoxo!!
A welcome, well-placed kick to the heart. That dad/water-filtration vignette has the heft and hit of good Carver! And I love the way your gritty wit leavens the whole piece. Dads…ever-present.
God, aren’t they? Always love your comments so much. Carver- it’s like someone telling you (me) that your (my) band sounds just like Scrawl or The Feelies! Thank you!
Where do I start? The call, the stack of filters, the brazilian beach aerobics, "still though." All of the feelings thoroughly engaged!
Thanks god for Tom and Pete, and all the toms and petes of the world.
But I really love - "Like any lie, it can make you lonely." It challenges the reader to look at the cost of protection.
You need to teach this one in FILFA next time - social penetration - effort as a love language!
xo
And I'm going to get right on the triumphant return of larking!!
Thank you my dear dear. 💜❤️
I have always had such a strange relationship to this poem - probably because I was always wondering why people were waving at me every time I was drowning in some sense.
I love all the thoughts about actual vulnerability vs performative vulnerability and it makes me wonder about my own attraction and revulsion to certain types of displayed vulnerabilities…just a lot to process here.
As a teacher, one of my favorite ways to check on students is to simply say “You don’t seem like yourself…what’s up?” It doesn’t guarantee a completely honest response but it’s such lovely shorthand for “I know you. I see you. Something is off and I care about that but I’m not sure what you need.” Sometimes they answer right away with whatever is bothering them, but I’ve also had students come back days or weeks later and say “Remember when you said i didn’t seem like myself? I couldn’t talk about it right then, but…”
Thank you for sharing this writing. I know I’ll be mulling it over for many days. I love your heart and feel so fortunate to have been your FILFA student. I agree with Kiera that this poem belongs in the ever-growing resources for that institute.
Love to you both!
Jenn
I absolutely love this comment! Love what you say about how you check in and they’ll circle back around. 💜 And yes will add to NEH curriculum if there’s another!
Beautiful. Powerful. Necessary. Grateful 💕
That’s you. Seriously thank you! And thank you for restacking/sharing with your readers and fans! Xo
I'm one of those readers/fans of Sheila's, and I wholeheartedly agree with her assessment. As a fellow Gen-X, born in January 1965 on the cusp of the Boom, the paragraph she restacked is what brought me here because it resonated so deeply. And the rest of the writing kept me here.
My parents were both teachers. My father suffered a devastating illness when I was 8 and missed several years of work, never fully recovering and dying at the age of 66. Fortunately, he never took his circumstances out on others and always was a kind if quirky person, but as a parent he was mostly benign.
My mom, who also was dealt a very tough hand in childhood, diligently cared for him and picked up the pieces, stiff upper lip and all. She provided, doing what she could to the best of her best ability to make sure everything was "fine." Nurturing, at least in part due to the circumstances, was not in her wheelhouse.
Until I was 30, I projected the same. To outsiders, everything was fine. On the inside, I was silently drowning.
The last 30 years have been a series of hard-won victories and occasionally stupid stumbles as my wife and I have raised four children. I'm no longer rabidly fearful of vulnerability; age and life experiences have a way of stripping that from you. Your essay was both a flashback to another time and a reminder that I needed today, the day after what would have been my dad's 84th birthday.
Wow. Thank you, first of all-- for reading, and so thoughtfully responding. Many parallels among us! (dying at 66, stumbling through with kids, even dads' bdays...). I do think something big comes around and offers itself to us around the age of 30. I think some people grab it...Have you read Niobe Way's work on male friendships? OMG so good. I'll come back and post...
I have read Way's work and it is excellent. Curiously, pre-40s, I had great difficulty in establishing male friendships. All of my friends were women. That has shifted as I've gotten older, however.
This is an essay that features her. But Deep Secrets is a great book! https://medium.com/remaking-manhood/why-do-we-murder-the-beautiful-friendships-of-boys-3ad722942755#:~:text=Driven%20by%20our%20collective%20assumption,more%2C%20the%20traumatic%20loss%20of
Amazing. Much to think about in this piece-it will stick with me for a while I am sure. Thinking mostly about what is inside of / what causes that lack of willingness or the ability to show vulnerability - and yes, thank you Tom and Pete- Might we all try being Tom and Pete in the world.
you are
Tomorrow I start teaching to adults a course called Life With Father. Yes, really. We shall start with the comfortable story of story of Amolak Ram Mehta, the author's father whom he calls Daddyji and titles the book similarly. Then we shall read and discuss Daddy, We Hardly Knew You by Germaine Greer. That's a book for you, Stevie Smith, and others who didn't know their fathers or how to know their fathers. I'm in that group myself: didn't know jack until I passed his age at death and wondered how my own son felt.
Yes xi
Xo I meant
Brooks- my father was 66 when he died. I turned 60 this past year. It's weird...waiting, waiting. Gotta hurry up and write all you can!
Everyone should read this essay— certainly every teacher. I wish I had read it while I was still teaching.
“Fifteen minutes seemed fair.” I laughed at that.
I love how your essays pull all these story-moons into orbit around the planet of the poem.
This poem always makes me think of Frost’s Neither Out Far Nor in Deep poem. The flawed beach observers. Looking but not seeing.
What I’m thinking now: It is hard to see far and deep into people. Even if you do make a fucking effort. Afterward you can chalk it up to not paying the right kind of attention. But.
Love you Mary
This morning: And yet, we have to TRY to pay attention, flawed and blind as we are. And poetry helps us do that. And your essays, Karen. xox
Also, I don't think I know that Frost poem, but I will now...
Also: it’s easy for an omniscient narrator in a poem to tell us mortals what we missed!
True
Very impressive, Ms. Harris. :-)The poem you share reminds me of when we taught Brueghel's painting, "The Fall of Icarus" with poems about the painting, like Auden's "Musee de Beaux Arts." " "About suffering they were never wrong,
The old Masters: how well they understood
Its human position: how it takes place
While someone else is eating or opening a window or just walking dully along." We also taught "Landscape with the Fall of Icarus" by William Carlos Williams. After reading this, I want to teach these works again and also include "Not Waving but Drowning."
Karen-You do an amazing job in this piece weaving in so many things and connecting them all by the end (seemingly with such ease)-the discussion of the poem, thoughts about your dad, your feelings of guilt, how others helped you in a time of need, and your students' comments...
When you write about the note by your desk about "Making a Fucking Effort," this really resonates with me. The most important thing I think we can do is to show our students that we care about them. From there, we can cultivate classrooms where students feel safe and are willing to take risks in discussions and in other ways. It does take a lot more effort now to "make a fucking effort." I have seen it take a toll on many teachers who have left the profession well before they are entitled to a pension. I wish school administrators cared more about their teachers beyond saying that they care. I love reading your writing. Keep it coming. Thank you!
Aw amazing Joanna- yes remember all of these works. Thank you for your incredible comment and your expertise and heart. I know you are a giver and your students are so lucky! And they love you. Of course. Xoxo!!